Well, It's 2 am and still not asleep. (even after a sleeping pill) And I have to get up at 5:30 for work. A very demanding job at that.
I have been having some lung problems lately and quit smoking 3 weeks ago. I've smoked for 35 years but I DID quit. Until tonight. I have asked Mark to not keep cigarettes in the house due to the fact I tend to wake up at night and want to smoke. I asked him to not "hide" them in the house simply because I know where all the hiding spots are. Well, I found them. I smoked them. I am disgusted with myself. I see 2 problems here. 1) They shouldn't have been in the house. 2) I ran out of patches and wanted to get more but Mark said I shouldn't rely on them.
Bottom line is I chose to smoke them and I know that but dammit...I'm addicted. THEY CAN"T BE IN HERE!! IF THEY WEREN"T IN HERE I WOULDN"T HAVE SMOKED THEM!! AND I shouldn't listen to what others say about relying on the patches. They work for me amd I should have just bought them tonight!
Another issue...My daughter tells me yesterday she is getting married this coming Saturday night...Thats right. Today is Wednesday. So I'm a little distraught over this. It's not a shotgun wedding in case anyone is curious about that but there are extenuating circumstances that I'll get into later. So that is keeping me awake I think.
My job is driving me crazy right now and I can't take off so I can't even help the daughter with the wedding....not that you can do much in a couple of days anyway.
I'm on some higher doses of Prednisone for the lung thing so more than half of my clothes don't fit...have nothing to wear to the wedding! Oh and did I mention broke so buying a new outfit for this is out of the question? HA HA HA .boy oh boy.. Yep...Doctor bills and medicine ate up a whole lot of my check.
I'm stressed!! REALLY REALLY STRESSED!
So I guess I'll finish this cigarette and try to go back to bed. I guess I'll stop at Walgreens on the way to work and pick up some nicotine patches. Should have listened to my own head.
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2 comments:
I applaud you for your efforts. And yeah, I agree, they shouldn't be in the house. I still want one all the time, and I know the result of what it can and will do to you. My mother passed in 2003 from complications of emphsema (sorry, can't spell it.) and literally bled to death internally. It still isn't enough to make me not want to do it. I get around my grown son, whose a smoker now, and I start wanting one. Do whatever you need to take care of you! You are worth it!
My last comment on this post got erased, but I basically told you what I wrote....
Just wanted to remind you that I know you can "kick" this habit!!!
Just like the lil engine that could- I think I can, I think I can!
Oh, and, are you walking tomorrow morning?!?! :)
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